2/19/2016 0 Comments A thought at 20 years old.I'm twenty today.
I've never been the person that I am today. I've never been 7305 days old, sitting here, writing this, here. In this very moment I am becoming the person that I will eventually die as.
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2/19/2016 0 Comments I ate an oyster.It was gross.
I knew that I wouldn't like it. But, eating it wasn't for the pleasure of taste. I was at a friends house for a family dinner. He had traveled 8 hours from southern Oregon with these oysters. I ate the it because I didn't think that its life was more important than making my friend and his family happy. I don't think that I have the same thought process of most vegans. And, as I'd written about before.. I don't think that I'm a vegan. This is an official transition for me. 2/19/2016 0 Comments On family sweatersIm wearing a sweater. Its huge. Its a zip up. Its very warm and very cozy. So what makes a sweater cozy? Well, sometimes it is the fabric. But, more importantly is the memories in fabric. I'm not sure whose sweater this originally was.. my moms? My dads? I think my moms but the ownership is unclear. Well, it reminds of fall hiking. Of summer nights playing in the backyard and chasing my dog to come back inside. This sweater has been with me my whole life. Putting it on is similar to laying down with my childhood blanket. I breathe a little deeper and the thoughts in my head slow down. I really like this sweater.
2/19/2016 0 Comments WeightThis isn't the most simple subject for me to write on.
I am a rock climber. I started climbing when I was about eight years old. I stopped climbing in my sophomore year of high school, took a long break, and began again two summers after graduating. That is, about six months ago. I go to the gym about four or five days a week and I train very hard. I have improved a good amount since then. Like most climbers though, I would like to be better. I look at my fitness and it is very good. I bike to work, climb most days of the week, eat healthfully and generally take care of myself. However, there is one specific area I want to address in which I could improve. This is my body composition. I want to be logical about this. A climber's performance is based in three areas: skill & technique, strength & power, weight. Now, for the level in which I am currently climbing V3-4 (V5 at the gym I previously climbed at) I believe that my skill is very good. I have a solid knowledge in the physics of climbing because I grew up on the wall. On the contrary, my body composition is much weaker for my level. Body composition is the proportion of fat and fat-free mass that make up one's weight. It is hard for me to write about this particular matter because I am afraid of causing alarm. There is reason for those who care about me to be concerned when I propose that would like to lower my body mass. History often repeats itself. I have to be honest otherwise, my risk is only heightened. So, I will be careful. I think, though, that my chances of doing this while improving (not compromising) my heath are good. I'm five years old then I was when I had anorexia. I've grown physically, intellectually, and emotionally. I'll keep you updated on both my plans and progress. I'm one of them. I'm not taking any medication.. but I do think I am a depressed zombie.
I fight this. I don't talk about my current depression because I don't want to be "fixed" with drugs. There is a lot going on in a mind. I know this. I can be happy if the correct conditions are met. This is social, physically active, and academically and artistically productive. INSTANTLY I can become unhappy if I am not working at meeting these conditions. If I take a nap, a break, don't rock climb for a day, I'm sad again. Edit: It's more than just meeting or not meeting conditions. Its like when everything is normal and for an instant you notice how the sunlight reflects on particles of dust and suddenly everything is different. For a few minutes, your happier. So.. I get that feeling but sometimes it makes me sad. Like a melancholy feeling. And this is "not good" but, at the same time, its just a feeling. I'm safe; I'm okay. Its just a part of me as a human. I want to be able to think and write about emotions without stigma. Because, maybe if you see this part of you with objective eyes, you can feel a little better. 2/1/2016 0 Comments A begining...There are things that I don't want to think about: I have one real friend here in Portland and I'm completely lonely. Growing up, I was my parents "shadow", a euphemism for a child with a timid, shy demeanor. Growing up, that was okay. There was always a friendly classmate that introduced me into their life.. tugged me along.
Honestly, I don't know how to make friends. I think it just begins with a "hello." The difficulty in this is that nobody seems like they want to hear it. |
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