12/3/2015 0 Comments A Quote:"A failure is not always a mistake. It may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying." — B.F. Skinner
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12/2/2015 0 Comments What is Important to MeI spend quite a bit of time contemplating just about everything. However, I want to pause for a second.
I have a notebook. It is small, black and very worn. This notebook includes everything from grocery lists to early morning thoughts. But the highlight of notes regards my core values. This list reminds me what is important. When I get caught up in the speed of life, it is what I read. 12/1/2015 0 Comments PressureThere are different origins of pressure. One comes from society and the other comes from yourself. This is the difference between being who society wants you to be and being who you want to be. The pressure that I talk about comes from only yourself.
I often feel strong pressure to achieve success. I create this pressure myself and I don’t want to eliminate it entirely. Much of what I think is conflicting. If I create some sort of discomfort for myself, shouldn’t I change? Well… I’ve tried that before and it didn’t work for me. I became complacent and unlike myself. Now, I have to figure out what is best for me. I’m testing the waters and seeing what works. As a result, I play with pressure. At the same time, I check in with myself. How am I feeling? If my well being is compromised, that is where I stop. I increase the focus on my health. I was talking to my dad a few days ago and telling him about some of my thoughts. I explained the things that I wanted to change in my life. This understandably concerned my dad. When I express the thoughts that run through my head it seems as though I am unhappy. The things is, that isn’t true. I only want to understand the forces that influence me. 11/25/2015 0 Comments ProductivityI am learning something that may be very simple.
Work ≠ Productivity. To be discussed further. 11/14/2015 TransparencyDuring the spring of my freshman year I developed anorexia. I was 94 lbs and my heart rate was about 40 beats per minute. I spent two months in an outpatient program for eating disorders at a local hospital.
This is a part of my experience that I don't readily share with most people. I, also, don't need to write about it. I can discuss body image, self confidence, perfectionism and self improvement from an objective perspective. I wonder, though, what is the purpose to decidedly avoiding this discussion? For social reasons, I would not bring this experience up in an everyday conversation just as you would not mention your childhood cat when you are engaged in a conversation nowhere near the lines of animals, childhood or companionship. Imagine, though, if someone asked you to elaborate why you feel that childhood chores aid in development of responsibility? Here, it may be acceptable and even beneficial to the discussion if you mentioned your childhood cat and how you fed her everyday. Nobody is asking me to talk about my experience with an eating disorder. However, nobody knows. The subjects that I mentioned above relating to body image are the subjects that I care about and have perspective on. I don't want to sidestep the reasons why I have the perspective that I do. I know, it is unpleasant to reflect on the self destruction of teenage girls motivated by an "ideal" that the collective individuals of a society ("you") have established. It is awkward. It makes you sad and angry.. I get it. It makes me angry, too. If it elicits this response in you, though, this means that it must be discussed. Quickly, it won't be so upsetting. Instead of perpetuating the problem, we find solutions. This is why I am not hesitant to talk about my difficult experiences. When I talk about what is difficult, I grow. Furthermore, these subjects are multifaceted. You might, and probably do, have an insight that I don't see. So if you feel like it, make a comment. Thank you for reading, Marisa 11/14/2015 0 Comments A Quote:"Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, for when you come back to your work your judgement will be surer, since to remain constantly at work will cause you to lose power of judgement. Go some distance away because then the work appears smaller, and more of it can be taken in at a glance, and a lack of harmony or proportion is more readily seen." — Leonardo da Vinci 11/10/2015 0 Comments The Transition:I had depression my last year of high school. When I decided that I did not want to go to college immediately after graduating I was afraid that I would remain depressed. Now, I am in school. The choice to return reflects a confidence in myself, the confidence that I can be in an institution that judges your success.
How am I doing? I run, rock climb, meditate and eat well. I drink far too much coffee and probably don't get enough sleep. The fall through spring academic year is divided into three terms. I am taking four classes this term, Life Drawing, Intro to Cultural Anthropology, Intro to Psychology, and a Writing class, totaling fifteen credits. I received 92% and 110% on my first two tests. I address all of my professors by their first name and they address me by mine. I enjoy going to my classes and engage in the discussions. I am anxious and extremely concerned with succeeding in my classes. This anxiety isn't good for me and I am changing that. I am going to take less credits next term and dedicate time to spend on my interests outside of academia: rock climbing, writing, film making and naturopathy. I can't push aside these aspects of my life for the four (or more) years that I will be in school, that is not what I learned to do last year. I am working on re-assesing the importance of grades, questioning how they really reflect your self worth but this is not to say that I don't care about my grades. I always will. My parents are financially supporting me and my education right now. This means that I don't need a full time job. My primary focus is doing well in school. I am privileged to be in this situation and, for that, I don't want to throw my opportunities away. I do think that I am ready for this transition. However, I still find myself anxious and compromising time for my interests. That is ending. Now. With this post. And more. Take care, Marisa 11/10/2015 0 Comments A Quote:"The art of living successfully consists of being able to hold two opposite ideas in tension at the same time: first, to make long term plans as if we were going to live forever, and second, to conduct ourselves daily as if we were going to die tomorrow." - Sydney Harris 6/23/2015 1 Comment Why I'm Going to CollegeAs a high school junior or senior you will be asked to write a certain essay quite a few times with the subject line "Why I Want to go to So and So College." Of the essays that I wrote, none were honest. I didn't want the "college experience", I wasn't ready for the "academic rigor" of a prestigious university. The only essays that truly conveyed my feelings remained scribbles in my journal hidden from the sad eyes of disappointment. I tried as hard as I could to imagine myself at college [...] In the end, I couldn't do that. College is going to have to wait. -May, 2014 If going to college is possible for you.. you should understand your privilege. However, going to college at a time when you are sincerely not equipped to succeed, in the end, does little to show appreciation for your family or community. To note, if you take time off, please do something worth your time. It is equally disappointing to waste a year away as it is to fail a semester.
Academia does not wear a white lab coat and the entirety of her lessons aren't in paper. Her true self is curiosity mixed with persistence. When I tried to imagine myself at a university last year, I didn't find those qualities within myself. I wasn't curious. That, to me, was unusual and sad. I I knew what an interest in your studies feels like. I didn't feel it anymore. In contrast, my eyes widened by the thought of exploration. So it goes that I took a year to travel and now I am here with a different story to tell. |
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